Is Online Dating For You After A Divorce?

Until Death Do You Part? That certainly was a lie. Your spouse got the house, a younger you, and you got the children. Definitely not an even split there.

Six months later - Enter your friend... Friend: You can't just sit around by yourself forever. You: But I'm not alone. I have the children. Friend: The children, humph. They don't keep you warm at night, do they? You: It's not like that anymore. Friend: Of course it's not. Really, it isn't. Friend: I know someone. This person is recently divorced too.
Tip! Announce your decision to get a 'divorce.

Freeze Frame. Get rid of friend. You can mail the coat after you finally get over the fact that the first choice for you is someone who failed Marriage 101 too. When you are ready to date, when you have moved that big band-aid off your heart, it won't be so that a friend of a friend can dance on your scab. It will be because you're ready to share your life with someone again.

Three months have passed. Following the coldest winter in history, you remembered to send your friend the coat. Guilt over your friend's pneumonia leads you to go on the date with the divorced acquaintance. Less than twenty minutes into the date, it is revealed that this person thinks all children can benefit greatly from boarding schools. You personally get a thrill out of tucking your children in each night. Your date also has no idea why the nagging ex was so close-minded about boarding schools in general. Once the gates are open, the ex becomes the hot topic for the evening.
Tip! Changing Your Name: At this point you can request a name change if you are a woman who wishes to resume use of her maiden surname. Your Dallas divorce lawyer can prepare all the paperwork for you and guide you through this process.

After that horrendous experience which cost you not only taxi fare but also two dollars for aspirin to relieve your splitting headache, you decide that research, among other things, is definitely in order before the next date with anyone. Your perfect match likes children and not merely from a distance. Should be a nonsmoker because breathing for some weird reason is very important to you and those you love. An advance college degree would represent the person's desire to be a high achiever.

How should you go about finding this one in a million person when you have an extremely limited schedule that gives you barely any free time after the kids and a fulltime job? Bars and clubs? Not too many out there for single parents. Even if there were, children require sitters, and with the divorce not too far behind you, you would feel guilty for leaving them anyway, especially if the date turned out to be a waste of time.
Tip! Make an agreement with your former spouse on what is realistically expected for your children. These should be based on the children's age, their temperament, their ability to follow directions, and the divorce structure of the family.

The practical solution - online dating. It can be done from your home; you can view biographies of your prospects in a low pressured environment. For shits and giggles, you can also allow the kids to view some of the photographs. They might actually enjoy having a say in your love life.

Online dating is also inexpensive. With children, you need every penny you can save. For what you would pay for a pair of designer jeans for your oldest daughter, you can probably get a year's membership in an online dating service. If it works out well, you soon might have someone else to buy your children's clothes.

With screening elements built into their programs, online dating companies, such as Yahoo Personals and eHarmony, will allow you to define your own standards so that you can hopefully avoid those with whom you are incompatibility.
Tip! Do hire a collaborative divorce lawyer (and get your spouse to do the same thing). Now you know you want to stay out of court.

A new outfit for a date - $70.00 Trip to the salon - $55.00 Time wasted after realizing your date put the "lose" in loser - 3 hours Opportunity cost (a game of Clue with the children) - priceless

Your time is too precious to waste. With online dating, you can make every moment count.

Ann Bendis writes about online dating and relationships at http://www.singleattractions.com

Starting Over: Dating After Divorce

Starting over after a divorce or breakup can be hard. Where do you go and what do you do? Men and women lose at least half of their social network when they get divorced. Their relationships with relatives, in-laws, neighbors, work colleagues, and spousal friends all shift and change. It takes determination to get out there and date. How do you start over?

* Take care of your heart.

You are vulnerable at this time. Quiet, reflective, or reading time is good. Hiking, fishing, gym time, art activities, team sports, cycling, cooking, counseling, classes, and self work is good. Spending time with close friends and family is good. Brooding, worrying, and obsessing on negative thoughts is not good.

*Plan your weekends.

When you are home alone, spend some time planning where you will go on the weekends. Weekends alone can be real downers if you are recently separated or divorced. Call a cousin, or your mother, father, sister, brother, uncles, aunts, nieces or nephews. You have people in your life you can take places with you who will not look like a date, no matter what gender they are.

*Find your forgotten talents.

Think about what you have always wanted to do or used to do but put it down long ago. Take the action steps to get involved in those activities again. Did you used to play tennis, ride horses, paint, sing, tap dance, travel, or play an instrument? Have you always wanted to act, design clothes, weave, grow a garden, swim, or fix clocks? No matter how bizarre it may sound to your friends, find what you have always loved to do or longed to discover and get busy. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong with your life, start looking at what you have going for you. You can build a new and wonderful life.
Tip! Insulate and protect your children: Involving children will surely harm them and upset both parents as well. Keep them well away from the divorce.

*Attend some social events.

It may feel awkward, but getting out to meet new people in "safe" settings like church, weddings, reunions, funerals, gatherings at friend's houses, meetings, conventions, conferences, and classes will give you energy. Stay as unattached as possible to the outcome. Consider your evenings out as an exploration into the possible.

* Visualize.

Before you go to any function, visualize how you would like your time there to be. See yourself as being friendly and confident, meeting interesting people. Before you fall asleep at night, picture how you would like your day and week to be. See yourself as calm, happy, productive, and loved by those around you.

Whenever you get out, remember to smile and make eye contact with people. Ask questions, listen to the answers, and start conversations. Reach out. This is how you begin to build the foundation for dating and starting over.

Visit http://www.tonjaweimer.com or http://www.singlesdatingtips.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our F*ree Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer. Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)

What Parents Should Do For Children To Do Their Best After Divorce?

Why do some children still do best after divorce and separation? Is there divorce parenting approaches that really work? Read and learn the divorce parenting approaches that really work.

Going through the process of divorce is a challenging life transition for both parents and children. During their parents' divorce, children often feel a wide variety of conflicting emotions. It is very important for parents to provide their children with understanding and support. Overall, the children who do best after divorce and separation are those whose parents dominantly employ 5 divorce parenting approaches. They:

1. Listen to children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them.

2. Fully support the children's relationships with the other parent making them feel loved and wanted in both homes.

3. Develop positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline.

4. Continue to hold reasonably high expectations for the children, regardless of trying circumstances.

5. Shield the children from their parental disagreements and resentments.

Each of the above is presented here below in great detail.
Tip! Next comes the discovery phase. Discovery is where one spouse learns what applies to the divorce suit.

1. Listen to children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them.

To better help our children we must first understand them. To be able to understand them completely, we need to listen and create an environment favorable for them to speak out. To make things happen, you need to:

* Encourage your children to talk about how they feel. Let your children know that they can openly talk to you about their feelings of your separation or divorce.

* Keep lines of communication open and answer all questions about the changes. Make sure your children feels like they can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.

* Convey that you are genuinely interested in their input. This will make your children feel they are participating in contributing to the process of recovering from the divorce.

2. Fully support the children's relationships with the other parent making them feel loved and wanted in both homes.
Tip! Make an agreement with your former spouse on what is realistically expected for your children. These should be based on the children's age, their temperament, their ability to follow directions, and the divorce structure of the family.

Research tells us that children benefit from keeping the familial ties in their life that were meaningful and important to them prior to the divorce. Of these familial ties, the most important are the child-parent ties. Remember that divorce does not end children's need for parents or it ends your role as parent. You should:
Tip! Take the “high road” during your divorce. Behave perfectly, beginning now.

* Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.

* Respect your child's needs to have both parents there for them, without having them worry that they are going to die of embarrassment if you both start to fight in public. Encourage the other parent to stay involved in the children's school and extra-curricular activities.

* Allow the children to enjoy the time that they spend with each parent. Encourage your children to spend good times with the other parent. Don't be jealous or upset, as children do not want to take sides and love one parent more than the other.

Tip! Do hire a collaborative divorce lawyer (and get your spouse to do the same thing). Now you know you want to stay out of court.

* Help your children and ex-spouse have a successful relationship as just as you would help your children to succeed in school or sports. Remember that your ex-spouse is an important part of your child's life. Just like you, your children have a shared history with this person as well as the present and future.

3. Develop positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline.

Often after a divorce parents will either become stricter or more lenient. Some parents feel like the other parent is letting the child get away with everything; therefore, they attempt to enforce discipline across both homes. Other parents do not want to spend the limited time they have with their child punishing them and tend to be too lenient. It can be difficult for children when their parents have drastically different rules and expectations. To give the child a sense of stability and security, you should do the following:
Tip! Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.

* Maintain consistent routines. Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don't have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.

Tip! Announce your decision to get a 'divorce.

* Set limits and rules clearly, and enforces them. But within these limits do allow leeway for your children to be children.

4. Continue to hold reasonably high expectations for the children, regardless of trying circumstances.

Help your children have positive feelings about themselves. Children who feel good about them usually succeed. They seem to get better grades in school, they are better at taking on hard jobs, and they try their best. Also, they tend to make better friends because they seem surer of themselves. As parents, you can play an important role in helping children have positive feelings about themselves. Here are some ways you can help your children to feel good about them.

* Help them learn to set realistic and reachable goals so they can regularly achieve success. Praise them for success.

* Give your children responsibility so that they feel useful, and valued. Asking nothing of them implies that you think they are not capable of doing a job well, which is demeaning.

* Encourage them to make decisions, and teach that they must accept responsibility for those decisions.

5. Shield the children from their parental disagreements and resentments.

Stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Rumbles of discontent between parents leave children feeling insecure. It is therefore so important for you and your partner to try to agree on matters related to children and their needs. You can employ strategies such as:

* Be able to step back and keep your feelings about your ex-spouse separate from those you have about your children's parent. Many people make lousy husbands or wives, but they are terrific parents.

* If you cannot be civil with your ex-spouse, then work out a plan and set up rules so that your child does not have to witness your wrath. Let your children feel with ease rather than going through a gauntlet of your venom for each other.

* Get to work on resolving your feelings about your ex-spouse. That means if you can't get over this yourself, get some help. Other people are suffering besides you, and those other people are your children!

Tip! Hold on to your intention to heal, forgive, and move forward. Divorce can be very painful for a time, but having the intention to forgive and move forward helps you to learn what you need to learn and start over in a new way, instead of being angry and bitter for the rest of your life! Remember that your divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you if you choose to use it as an opportunity for emotional healing and personal growth.

Certainly, some children still do best after divorce and separation. All their parents did were employing tested divorce parenting approaches that really work. You can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. Follow the above approaches for your children sake.

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author's information and web link are included at the bottom of the article. The web link should be active when the article is reprinted on a web site or in an email. Minor edits and alterations are acceptable so long as they do not distort or change the content of the article.
Tip! Failure to specify who can claim the kids on the tax return. The divorce should specify who will be entitled to claim the children.

About The Author

Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled "101 Ways To Raise Your 'Divorced' Children To Success". Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you're on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com; marketing@101divorceparenting.com

Helping Your Kids Handle Divorce

Every year over one million parents have to talk to their kids about divorce. For each parent, the discussions differ, but the goals of the discussions are universal: to openly and honestly reassure your child of your love.

Divorce is painful and traumatic for all involved - spouses and children alike. We all happily begin our lives together full of shared hopes and dreams and committed to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost 50 % of today's marriages end in divorce. How parents handle divorce, however, makes the difference in their children's healthy adjustment or potential maladjustment. Here's an example of how to begin talking to your child about your divorce.

Let's meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child. He's the apple of his mother's eye and dad's best buddy. Brad is at the top of his class in school and participates in the school band and in the spelling bee. He's also an active athlete - playing intramural hockey and soccer, and running competitively. Both of his parents attend all of his sports and school activities.
Tip! Be patient and persistent: Don't rush, don't be in a hurry. Divorces take time and negotiation takes time.

One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer game and tells him "I have something sad to tell you. Mom and I are having a hard time, and you may have noticed something wasn't right between us, and you are right. We're going to live in different houses and you'll be spending some of the week with me and some with your Mom. I know this will be difficult for all of us. So we should talk about it openly together and about what we're both feeling." Discussing divorce with your children is never easy. Here are some tips to help ease this transition.

1. Communicate with your spouse (partner): Although things have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you still have children to raise together. Be sure you both are in agreement as to the timeline of the change and give your children clear dates and details. The more solid the plan, the less anxiety your child will experience.
Tip! Don't let a judge decide for you. The minute you (or your spouse) go to court and ask a judge to decide your divorce for you, you give up nearly all of the control you have over the process.

2. Use age appropriate language and details: A five-year-old and ten-year-old understand very different things and have different levels of maturity. Follow their questioning before offering details. Be honest, but remember what is appropriate for the age of the child or they will not comprehend the situation.

3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue to be loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children know that your love for one another has changed, but that your love for them remains strong and constant. Reiterate that the divorce is not their fault.

4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to not speak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain from arguing in front of the children and do your best to keep them out of your conflict!

5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurt or anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain the divorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you through this period. Share your feelings with friends and professionals. Children are not therapists!
Tip! Mediation provides both parents with the opportunity to explore co-parenting issues with an objective third-party neutral who is a professional trained in children's developmental needs and is knowledgeable about the research on children's adjustment to separation and divorce.

Always remember: Strive to be communicative and honest during and after the divorce process because there will be different degrees of feelings over the event as time goes on. If you're communicating honestly, however, you can never hurt your child.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.
Tip! Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the "Keep ‘Em Off My Couch" blog, provides real simple answers for solving life's biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com.

Marriage, Divorce, and Kids

Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this country?

It's been said that one of the reasons for the high rate of divorce in this country is the manner in which men choose their wives. Specifically, they choose their wives in a fashion similar to how they choose their next car.

They get the best-looking one available, and hope there's not much maintenance down the road.

While this may occasionally be true, there are also practices that married couples need to follow to avoid adding to a divorce rate hovering around 50%. These practices are important for the success of your marriage, and they're also essential for the well-being of your children.

In Maggie Gallagher's book, "The Abolition of Marriage," she states that, "Half of all children will witness the breakup of a parent's marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent's second marriage."

Can we possibly continue with a system in which half of our children witness the breakup of their parent's marriage? Is a divorce rate near 50% enough to have us consider new ideas about how we decide about marriage and divorce?

One idea we might consider is educating young people about the qualities of a successful marriage. The best way to do this is to model these qualities for your children. In addition, we can talk to them about the specific qualities and actions which make a marriage successful.

Here are some of those qualities:

1. Commitment—According to one definition, "Commitment is a freely chosen inner resolve to follow through with a course even though difficulty arises. How do we show our children what to do when difficulty arises? Do we move to where the grass is greener? Commitment is a daily discipline. It's the chat after dinner, and the kiss before work. It's the core from which we respond to difficulty. It's what makes our lives richer and deeper.

2. Emotional Awareness—If we know what's really bothering us, we can have effective and meaningful conversations with our spouse. We can be genuine, honest, and open with each other. And we can discover that much of the pain we feel in our relationship is actually our past emotional history coming back to haunt us.
Tip! Changing Your Name: At this point you can request a name change if you are a woman who wishes to resume use of her maiden surname. Your Dallas divorce lawyer can prepare all the paperwork for you and guide you through this process.

If you're planning on getting married someday, you need to be aware of what your emotional issues are. If you're not aware of them, you're a great candidate to add to a divorce rate that's already staggering.

3. Be Kind, Not Right—We tend to have a tremendous stake in showing our loved ones that we're right. An enormous amount of time is wasted in our relationships by arguing over who's right or wrong. This excessive arguing is just an indication of our low self-esteem. A much easier and more effective way to be in a relationship is to commit to kindness. When you're kind, you don't need to be right. And it's so much easier for others to be with you!
Tip! You haven't decided to take action because you think you actually do want a divorce, and you think that divorce can create emotional scars that take a long time to heal.

There certainly are divorces that are respectful of children, and many may be "justifiable." But the number of divorces that damage children's lives' is mind-blowing. And the trail behind them is strewn with actions and decisions that reek of childish self-interest.

It's time for couples to grow up. It's time to stop looking to "get your needs met" in your relationship, and to start looking to meet the needs of your family. It's time to stop running away when things get difficult, and to start persevering through the pain.
Tip! Lack of planning with regard to life insurance. Life insurance should be reviewed in the event of divorce.

And most importantly, it's time to see the real impact of divorce on children.

Because the cost of not doing these things is beyond measure.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.

The Myth of the Good Divorce

Divorce is hard on kids. It's not exactly news. But this is a groundbreaking revelation, judging from the fawning press coverage and attention by the New York Times and the Washington Post to a new book, "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce."

Much has been made of the study's implications - with pundits and reporters alike crowing it shows that the "good divorce" has become a rhetorical sponge for sopping the guilt of adults who divorce too easily.

Authored by Elizabeth Marquardt, herself a child of divorce, the book is based on 1,500 phone surveys with young adults ages 18-35. Seventy-one people in four parts of the country were also interviewed. An affiliate scholar with the Institute for American Values which advocates on behalf of marriage, Marquardt conducted her study with the aid of Professor Norval Glenn and an advisory group. Like Marquardt, I think that divorce of any variety profoundly impacts children. One very valuable thing that Marquardt's book does is draw our attention to the needs of children in a divorce. Thirty-six percent of the divorced group said that the holidays growing up were stressful, while only 15% of the control group from intact families felt the same way. Thirty-four percent were asked to choose which parent they wanted to live with. Thirty-two percent felt they had to take sides in their parents' conflicts, while only 11% of respondents from intact families felt the same way.

In the ensuing publicity about the book, much has been made of the chamelon-like mediation children of divorce must make between their parents' worlds. In interviews, Marquardt has said that divorce splits the inner lives of children - with children shouldering the burden of their parents' separation and never feeling like they truly belong.
Tip! You haven't decided to take action because you think you actually do want a divorce, and you think that divorce can create emotional scars that take a long time to heal.

Fifty-four percent of the respondents from a family experiencing divorce felt their parents' rules were not the same, while 15% of the group from an intact marriage felt the same way. Children of divorce were less likely to say that they respected their parents than children from intact families. Even so, 63% of divorced children said that their parents protected them from their (parental) worries following divorce.

Surprisingly, the study's results on spirituality have garnered little attention, even though little data exists on the impact divorce has on the religious life of children. Both groups showed high attendance rates at religious services in childhood - with 86% of divorced children and 89% of the respondents from intact families attending religious services. Children of divorce were less likely to be in a leadership role within a religious congregation or attending religious services.

Religious leaders will find much to ponder in the results - which underscore the distance many families of divorce likely feel from religious institutions. Children of divorce reported that their parents were less likely to teach them to pray, to pray with them, to take them to religious services with frequency, or to encourage them to practice a religious faith. It's a sad indictment of parents as well - when children are hurting after a divorce their parents were less likely to offer them spiritual guidance and help.
Tip! Lack of faith in yourself and your future. Divorce is bad but it is not the end of the world! You may have some tough times but your life will go on and it may be a blessed life.

Even more surprising perhaps is a sign of resilience in the results - seventy-four percent of children of divorce felt that their spirituality had been strengthened by adversity in their lives. And they were emphatic about it - more of them strongly agreed with this statement than their intact family counterparts, and children of divorce were more likely by a 2-1 margin to say that they are more religious now than their mothers ever were.

It is sad that the author doesn't bask in her strengths - but instead petulantly points a finger backwards to recommend that parents in low-conflict marriages stick it out for the good of the kids - especially when the study didn't fully look at joint custody arrangements. A child of divorce who saw both parents only once per year could qualify for the phone survey portion of this study. The results potentially include people who grew up with minimal parent involvement. It just doesn't seem fair for researchers to cry worms when they didn't choose carefully which apples to bake.
Tip! Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together.

As a stepparent who has never experienced divorce - I'm affected by it too - like it or not. Because the people I care for in my life - my husband and my stepchildren - have been affected by divorce and carry emotional scars from it. I think every stepparent should try to understand the impact that divorce can wield on their spouses and their stepchildren. Marquardt's study gives us a glimmer of a peek and offers many interesting insights - I just wish the researcher had both eyes open.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at http://www.thestepfamilylife.com

Potty Training After a Divorce or Separation

Many parents share custody of their children, which presents a unique problem when it comes to potty training. It's best to discuss potty training and agree on a strategy before you start. Both parents need to be informed about potty training and have the necessary potty training aids.

Potty Training Aids

To maintain consistency throughout the potty training process, it's best if both parents either share the potty training aids or purchase the same aids. This way your child will have a potty seat she is comfortable with at each parent's home.

Potty Training Methods

Both parents need to use similar potty training methods so your child doesn't get confused. Make sure you are both informed and decide how you're going to handle potty training instruction, rewards, and accidents.

In some cases, the divorced or separated parents don't have a good relationship and this level of communication is not possible. If this is your situation, it may be easiest to pack your child's potty seat along with a note describing your potty training strategy (and any other necessary information) and send it with your child. Copyright © 2004 ZIP Baby. All Rights Reserved.

Danna Henderson ZIP Baby 101 Convention Center Drive, Ste 700 Las Vegas, NV 89109

About The Author

Danna Henderson started ZIP Baby in order to provide parents with comprehensive potty training information as well as a large variety of potty training products. For more information or advice about potty training, visit Potty Training Away from Home.

Divorce and Retain Family Wealth

Firstly, I do not like the term "broken family". I think divorce is always horrible in one way or another, though often necessary. However, the "inevitable" results of divorce can be reinvented. ANY wealth accumulated, even in the worst of marriages, should not go down the drain because a couple cannot stay together.

I've been divorced myself and I know the agony, the depression and the despair. I know the urge to get away from, cut all ties with someone, and create as much distance as is manageable. But if you own a home as a couple, please do anything necessary to take time and think before you go the traditional route - selling, often just to pay your attorneys.

The reason I'm writing this article is because in the past few years I've learned a lot about investment - especially in real estate. I think that it is the best investment to make, unless you are particularly in tune with stock picks. Unlike the many infomercials that give ideas on buying a home, this article deals with KEEPING your home, married or not. I know it is possible for a couple, even when divorced, can attain a degree of financial freedom, years afterwards.

Many families have a major investment - their home. It seems it is typical in a divorce to sell the family home and split the funds realized from the sale. Many couples have pensions, and other investment plans to either liquidate or allow to mature for future sharing. I am less familiar with those.

Focusing on the family home, I recommend the following.

DON"'T SELL!

Firstly, if it is possible, find an experienced paralegal who can explain all your state laws about divorce, marital settlements, et al, and then DON'T RUSH! If a family must divide quickly, and one spouse leaves the home, just be patient. Make an honest attempt to back up from the stress and emotions, just for a little while. A good paralegal will do your whole divorce, marital settlement, and parenting plans for a tenth of the price of an attorney. Don't get SCARED. The law determines how everything will go, despite the variation on long and winding roads needed in getting there. Of course, some couples will have details that will require an attorney, and that is for each to decide.
Tip! Do remain flexible. One of the most common mistakes people make when they begin a divorce is to decide that they absolutely, positively must have A, B, and C, and nothing else will be sufficient.

But, back to the home.....look around and find a property management company with a good reputation in your area. Plan for the remaining family members to move out. Rent the home! Depending on where you live, that property will appreciate. Paying the property management company to rent, and manage the tenancies will relieve you of that stress. The divorce can proceed.

Why do I recommend this? Because your home will appreciate over the years. Why sell? If you can cover the mortgage, the taxes and the insurance with tenants, why sell? Perhaps at some point, whether it be lower interest rates or enough appreciation, you can re-finance and split that profit with your former spouse. It could pay for another home or college tuition, or anything in a family's special needs. It could pay for any outstanding child support. It could pay for one or both spouses to go back to school. It is a SOURCE OF WEALTH.

A marriage is a legal contract. Just because you want to end it doesn't mean you and your spouse cannot have a DIFFERENT legal contract, as co-owners of your property. If you cannot talk to your ex, get a third party to be a middle man. You can have a trust between you, with a trustee. There is always a way!
Tip! Lack of faith in yourself and your future. Divorce is bad but it is not the end of the world! You may have some tough times but your life will go on and it may be a blessed life.

I had my divorce, custody care and marital settlement done for $1250 by a paralegal. If a home had been involved, it's fate would have been part of the marital settlement. There would have been some additional expenses for a trust, or some other contract. Perhaps another $1500.00.

I do not mean to imply that anyone should not obtain legal advice about any of the above ideas. I just say: think about it. Everyone's situation is different.

I hope this helps.

Dianne M. Buxton is a retired ballet dancer, choreographer and teacher who was exposed to real estate investment, better late than never. Currently she is starting an internet business, and also is writing screenplays with a creative writing partner, and last but not least, raising a brilliant and interesting son.

Marriage or Divorce - Check Your Social Security Number

Newlyweds and the recently divorced should make sure that names on their tax returns match those registered with the Social Security Administration (SSA). A mismatch between a name on the tax return and a Social Security number (SSN) could unexpectedly increase a tax bill or reduce the size of any refund.

For newlyweds, the tax scenario can begin when the bride says "I do" and takes her husband's surname, but doesn't tell the SSA about the name change. If the couple files a joint tax return with her new name, the IRS computers will not be able to match the new name with the SSN. This could result in tax assessments or even an audit since the IRS may be under the impression that you are simply evading taxes. Similarly, after a divorce, a woman who had taken her husband's name and had made that change known to the SSA should contact the SSA if she reassumes a previous name. Failure to take this action can lead to audits. Can you imagine going through an audit with your former spouse?

It's easy to inform the SSA of a name change by filing Form SS-5 at a local SSA office. It usually takes two weeks to have the change verified. The form is available on the agency's Web site, www.ssa.gov, by calling toll free 1-800-772-1213 and at local offices. The SSA Web site provides the addresses of local offices.
Tip! I have been divorced at least 6 months, or separated more than 1 year. 2.

Richard A. Chapo is with http://www.businesstaxrecovery.com - recovery of business taxes through tax help and tax relief. Visit http://www.businesstaxrecovery.com/articles to read more business tax articles.

Divorce Doesn't Have To Ruin Your Credit Rating

In 1996, I divorced my wife and with that divorce came the normal dividing of property and assets. There also was the discussion regarding our credit card debt. We were married for 5 years and used the credit cards as a couple, but the credit cards were in my name only. Sadly, it became my responsibility to pay for the huge debt that we had created together.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, you are not alone. Experts say there has been a 20 percent rise in bankruptcy filings, and it is estimated that a large part of this is due to divorce. But don't worry, if you find yourself in this situation, you will have several options. One thing you could do is file for bankruptcy. Statistics show that many people are doing just that. But you should know that if you choose this option, a bad mark will stay on your credit report for ten years. Another option would be to simply make the payments. But for many people, after going though a divorce, they find that living on one income is a difficult adjustment, and are forced to only make the minimum payments. That can take what seems like a lifetime, to pay off your debts. For example, if you have a debt of $25,000 and are paying an average interest rate of 18%, it would be thirty-two years before you paid off that debt! You could be paying for those purchases well up into your 60's or 70's! Another option is to seek out professional help. There are several non-profit organizations that specialize in debt relief, and many people seek this type of help after a divorce. Here's how it works. For a small fee of around $14.00 per month debt relief companies will analyze your credit card debt, living expenses and income in order to determine what type of repayment structure would best work for you. They will then contact your creditors and work with them regarding interest rates, late fees, and payment amounts. Because credit card companies understand that divorce is one of the leading causes for bankruptcy, they usually won't have a problem working with the credit repair company. After all, they do want their money!

Non-profit agencies do not report credit counseling to credit bureaus, but most credit card companies do. You may see this as a negative thing, but many people don't. Credit counseling can be explained a lot more easily than bankruptcy. And bankruptcy is often a deal stopper for someone trying to buy a home, or even purchase a car.
Tip! You are just flat out scared to make a decision about divorce because you know that making this difficult decision will involve profound change and deep 'self-examination'. And, like most of us, you want to avoid the pain and discomfort that goes with that.

While you are in credit counseling you will not be allowed to retain or apply for a credit card, but for most people who find themselves in this situation, that can be a relief. Think about that as you are cutting them up into little peices. I know I did. And with each chunk of plastic that fell in the trash, it was a chipping away of the old and a birth of the new. There's a feeling of relief that comes over you when you know you don't have to worry about those mounting credit card bills. And when you are going through a divorce, the more relief you can get, the better.
Tip! Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.

If you would like to get more credit information you can visit our website which contains many credit resources. http://www.my-credit-report.info

This article is copyright 2005, but can be freely reprinted, as long as no changes are made, including hyperlinks.

Fixing Your Credit From a Divorce

Getting divorced is stressful enough but the effects on your credit reports can literally ruin you- financially. The good news is however that you can clean up your credit after a nasty divorce using some pointers below along with a lot of patience.

Determining your credit issues

First of all it is absolutely necessary to evaluate your credit as it stands now. Are there major issues like a pending foreclosure, unpaid credit card debts or even back child support hindering your credit? If so you need to approach each issue separate and use any documentation you have to prove that the item doesn't belong there. Of course in a marriage both partners are usually responsible for debts incurred during the marriage but if the debts were incurred while you were separated or without your knowledge then you may not be liable for those debts. Sitting down and reviewing all three credit reports is a must.

One item may not be on all three credit reports so before you can begin disputing the entry to a credit bureau you have to determine which bureau is picking up the item and then write your dispute to that particular bureau. In your dispute be concise and include any documentation you have such as a copy of your separation agreement and who is to pay the debt and or your divorce papers to prove the debt was incurred after the divorce and without your knowledge.

Please note however that even a court ordered agreement of who pays what from the marriage does not overrule a contract that was created during the marriage. The creditor doesn't care who the judge ordered to pay the debts and if one person defaults they have the right to go after either or both.

Contacting the credit bureaus

Once you have determined which debts you are going to challenge you then need to draft your dispute letters to the credit bureaus. There are three major credit bureaus and soon there may be a fourth bureau that you will have to consider.

Equifax P.O. Box 740241 Atlanta, GA 30374 800-685-1111

TransUnion Consumer Disclosure Center P.O. Box 390 Springfield, PA 19064-0390 1-800-888-4213

Experian P.O. Box 2104 Allen, TX 75013-2104 1-800-682-7654

Be sure to send your disputes CMRR- certified mail return receipt so that you will have a paper trail of your communications with the credit bureaus. By law the bureaus have 30 days to investigate the items and send you a new updated version of what they decided. If any portion of the item they investigated was obsolete or unverifiable, it will be removed. Even accurate but negative credit can be removed because the credit bureaus must be able to verify everything as 100% accurate. If they cannot, the item must be removed. This is how many charge offs, judgments, liens and even bankruptcies are removed. The Fair Credit Reporting Act governs these actions.
Tip! You are just flat out scared to make a decision about divorce because you know that making this difficult decision will involve profound change and deep 'self-examination'. And, like most of us, you want to avoid the pain and discomfort that goes with that.

How long can bad credit remain legally?

That depends. It is 7 years for debts and 10 years for bankruptcy although some credit bureaus only report a bankruptcy chapter 13 for 7 years because at least the debtor is attempting to repay his debts. Judgments can remain until the statute of limitations expires to collect it.

Following up

Just as disputing is the only way to get results so is follow up. Without a solid plan of attack you will accomplish very little. Be sure you are diligent about following up on the bureaus investigation and if need be turn your efforts to the original creditor or the source reporting the item. If you are a patient person you can use credit repair aids and do the work yourself. If you are looking for convenience then you can hire a credit repair attorney to do the work for you. Either way the same methods are used which are disputing to the credit bureaus using the FCRA- Fair Credit Reporting Act, validating debts, checking SOL's (statute of limitations for the collectibility of the debt) and and being persistent.

Kristi Feathers is an author and speaker on credit issues. To reach Kristi you can visit her site at http://www.KristiFeathers.com or http://www.carreonandassociates.com to purchase her credit management guide for consumers

Losing A Career Can Feel Like Getting A Divorce

Job loss can be extremely painful because we have to start over and create a new identity. Clients tell me their feelings are similar to what they experienced during a bitter divorce -- a special form of the midlife crisis.

Losing a career or business can also be a source of grief, anger and frustration. Starting a new business is an end as well as a beginnig. You may feel as though you are getting a divorce after a twenty-year marriage. Here's why.

1. Sometimes the career leaves you. The field wants "younger people." Or you have to change in ways that violate your sense of self.

2. Sometimes you leave a career that seems perfectly wonderful and fulfilling to those on the outside. "The money's so good," your mother says, "and it's not as if you're scrubbing floors all day. Can't you just hang in there and pretend you like it?"

3. You feel disloyal. After all, you've gained a lot from this career. For the rest of your life, you will view the world through the lens created by your training and experience. You will question assumptions, criticize, challenge, argue, prepare, organize, or negotiate.

4. Friends take sides. After you leave, some former colleagues no longer return your calls. Others try to engage you in a rousing session of "Aren't they horrible," which you don't want either.
Tip! Make some value on mutual interests. Couples who want to prevent divorce may find ways to have some moments where they can spend time and evaluate their emotions.

5. Those left behind begin to feel abandoned. Are you leaving for a new love, an opportunity that will be livelier, more exciting, and yes, even sexier? Worst case: you're leaving for a new career that your former associates find entirely unsuitable.

6. You have started projects that you will be unable to finish because your new life has no room for them. Anyway, without your former big-name affiliation, you have no credibility to raise them to a level you can present or sell.
Tip! Be patient and persistent: Don't rush, don't be in a hurry. Divorces take time and negotiation takes time.

7. Your new identity gains you access to new and exciting places, but people treat you differently. You feel naked without the old title on your business card.

8. The rules of the game have changed since the last time you were unattached. And this time around, you're less interested in those "how to get lucky" sessions.

9. You spend more time in the gym. You spend hours walking the dog. You try new hair styles, dare to enter an art gallery, read your first self-help book and consider talking to a professional who bears little resemblance to Jennifer Melfi.

10. You're starting to think, "Being on my own for the rest of my life may not be such a bad thing."

Career Consultant Cathy Goodwin, Ph.D. created the 21-Day Extreme Career Makeover guide for midlife professionals who want to transform career breakdowns to career breakthroughs. Get started here. Download your fr*e Report: Why Most Career Change Fails (and how to write your own success story) Sign up now.