The Myth of the Good Divorce

Divorce is hard on kids. It's not exactly news. But this is a groundbreaking revelation, judging from the fawning press coverage and attention by the New York Times and the Washington Post to a new book, "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce."

Much has been made of the study's implications - with pundits and reporters alike crowing it shows that the "good divorce" has become a rhetorical sponge for sopping the guilt of adults who divorce too easily.

Authored by Elizabeth Marquardt, herself a child of divorce, the book is based on 1,500 phone surveys with young adults ages 18-35. Seventy-one people in four parts of the country were also interviewed. An affiliate scholar with the Institute for American Values which advocates on behalf of marriage, Marquardt conducted her study with the aid of Professor Norval Glenn and an advisory group. Like Marquardt, I think that divorce of any variety profoundly impacts children. One very valuable thing that Marquardt's book does is draw our attention to the needs of children in a divorce. Thirty-six percent of the divorced group said that the holidays growing up were stressful, while only 15% of the control group from intact families felt the same way. Thirty-four percent were asked to choose which parent they wanted to live with. Thirty-two percent felt they had to take sides in their parents' conflicts, while only 11% of respondents from intact families felt the same way.

In the ensuing publicity about the book, much has been made of the chamelon-like mediation children of divorce must make between their parents' worlds. In interviews, Marquardt has said that divorce splits the inner lives of children - with children shouldering the burden of their parents' separation and never feeling like they truly belong.
Tip! You haven't decided to take action because you think you actually do want a divorce, and you think that divorce can create emotional scars that take a long time to heal.

Fifty-four percent of the respondents from a family experiencing divorce felt their parents' rules were not the same, while 15% of the group from an intact marriage felt the same way. Children of divorce were less likely to say that they respected their parents than children from intact families. Even so, 63% of divorced children said that their parents protected them from their (parental) worries following divorce.

Surprisingly, the study's results on spirituality have garnered little attention, even though little data exists on the impact divorce has on the religious life of children. Both groups showed high attendance rates at religious services in childhood - with 86% of divorced children and 89% of the respondents from intact families attending religious services. Children of divorce were less likely to be in a leadership role within a religious congregation or attending religious services.

Religious leaders will find much to ponder in the results - which underscore the distance many families of divorce likely feel from religious institutions. Children of divorce reported that their parents were less likely to teach them to pray, to pray with them, to take them to religious services with frequency, or to encourage them to practice a religious faith. It's a sad indictment of parents as well - when children are hurting after a divorce their parents were less likely to offer them spiritual guidance and help.
Tip! Lack of faith in yourself and your future. Divorce is bad but it is not the end of the world! You may have some tough times but your life will go on and it may be a blessed life.

Even more surprising perhaps is a sign of resilience in the results - seventy-four percent of children of divorce felt that their spirituality had been strengthened by adversity in their lives. And they were emphatic about it - more of them strongly agreed with this statement than their intact family counterparts, and children of divorce were more likely by a 2-1 margin to say that they are more religious now than their mothers ever were.

It is sad that the author doesn't bask in her strengths - but instead petulantly points a finger backwards to recommend that parents in low-conflict marriages stick it out for the good of the kids - especially when the study didn't fully look at joint custody arrangements. A child of divorce who saw both parents only once per year could qualify for the phone survey portion of this study. The results potentially include people who grew up with minimal parent involvement. It just doesn't seem fair for researchers to cry worms when they didn't choose carefully which apples to bake.
Tip! Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together.

As a stepparent who has never experienced divorce - I'm affected by it too - like it or not. Because the people I care for in my life - my husband and my stepchildren - have been affected by divorce and carry emotional scars from it. I think every stepparent should try to understand the impact that divorce can wield on their spouses and their stepchildren. Marquardt's study gives us a glimmer of a peek and offers many interesting insights - I just wish the researcher had both eyes open.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at http://www.thestepfamilylife.com